to what they call, love.

skipped school today. i don't know. i feel moodless and listless. like i don't know what to do, and even if i did, its all just a mixed up mash of thoughts feelings and emotions. its not easy, its been roughly 2 weeks? 2 weeks, and im feeling like this. and there is still a long way to go. its hard to put into words exactly how i am feeling all the time. but whenever i sit down and think about it, everything just comes into my head. i feel.. everything. i feel uncomfortable when everyone else can seem to talk to you but me. as though there is this brick wall there. its a weakness, yes i know. but what can i do? there was never a day when i didn't think about you. i don't believe in forever. but i didn't know that it was just like this. is it my fault? you have no idea how horrible it is, when you try to be strong. you try to ignore all these feelings and act like everything is fine, and to keep things within you, because you don't want to keep bugging people. to look at you, and to keep telling myself that you're not mine anymore, we're just friends. to cry when you're alone because you know you've lost someone who is important at this point of time in my life. to have so many friends who have their own problems and trying to help them and to help myself on the way too.
honestly, i wished it never happened, but it did, and all i can do now, is think of the memories. i want so much for us to be where we used to be, but it is apparent that its impossible. when a friend asked me whether i was alright, and i said i was, she didn't believe me. and when i asked her why, she said because she felt i was putting a facade to everything. i come to school, pretend everything is fine, that i am happy, and that i am really strong. but that isn't true. the weakness, is that i am dependent on you. somehow. everytime anything goes wrong, i go to you. everytime i feel alone, i go to you.

where'd you go, i miss you so, seems like its been forever, that you've been gone.

im glad at least some things in your life did work out, that you got into the team. i know how important it was to you. there's just something about it to you. you love the game, but deep inside you're worried to play badly and let the team down. but i know, you can do it. because i have seen what you can do, and you're so much more than that.
its not easy. the tears i cry. but i will get through this, because it only makes you stronger and learn more. i've learnt many things from you. you've always tried to make me spend lesser, and be a better daughter and all that. there are so many things that you've left behind, and when you think about it, its all worth it. its not easy to move on, but its going to be a stepping stone in my life. although i miss the emotional support, theres so much more out there.
For now, thats how i feel. Maybe soon things will change, i don't know.
But still, ilu.